There is a moment in every leader’s journey when a familiar strength quietly stops serving them. For me, that strength was control.
Control made me effective early in my career. I could step into chaos, create order, make quick decisions, and move the work forward. Those abilities built my reputation. They built trust. They built opportunities.
But they also built a reflex that I did not question until much later.
Over time, I began to notice moments when my instinct to take charge was no longer leading. It was limiting. It was limiting relationships, limiting creativity, limiting collaboration, and limiting the team’s sense of ownership and agency.
This reflection is about that turning point: the moment control shifts from responsible leadership to something that quietly erodes trust and slows progress.
When Control Starts to Limit, Not Lead
Picture a high-performing team member. Someone capable, thoughtful, and invested in the work. Then one day, their actions begin to diverge from the agreed path.
Small shifts at first, then bigger ones:
- A decision made without looping you in
- A conversation they have that does not align with what you said
- A new approach you did not approve
- A deviation from the plan that looks like resistance
From the leader’s seat, it is easy for those behaviors to feel personal.
“You are ignoring my direction.”
“You are undermining my leadership.”
“You are putting the work at risk.”
Once that story forms, the instinct to tighten your grip shows up immediately. More structure. More clarification. More oversight. More involvement.
To us, that response feels responsible.
To the team, it reads as mistrust.
This is where the cycle begins:
- The leader tightens control
- The team feels doubted
- The team becomes more guarded or resistant
- The leader reads that resistance as defiance
- The leader tightens control even more
It becomes a loop. I have lived that loop. Many leaders have.
What I Learned When I Zoomed Out
Eventually, I had to ask myself a harder question:
“What if their resistance is not about undermining me? What if it is about something meaningful to them?”
When I slowed down long enough to listen, a different picture emerged.
Resistance can be communication:
- “I see a risk you might not see.”
- “I care about the work and want to get it right.”
- “I am protecting my expertise or identity.”
- “I believe this approach might be better.”
From a psychological perspective, this makes sense.
The SCARF model shows that threats to status, autonomy, or fairness can trigger defensive behavior, even in high performers.
Adaptive leadership tells us that pushback often signals values worth protecting, not defiance.
The problem was not only their behavior.
The problem was the story I was telling myself about their behavior.
My interpretation was creating just as much friction as their actions.
The Ego Layer Leaders Would Rather Not Name
This part is uncomfortable, but necessary.
Moments that feel like “undermining” typically activate something deeper. Our sense of competence, credibility, or authority. When those things feel threatened, ego steps in disguised as responsibility.
Ego does not always look like arrogance.
More often, it looks like:
- “I am trying to keep us on track.”
- “I am making sure we deliver.”
- “I am ensuring alignment.”
- “I am protecting the standard.”
These are real leadership duties. But when ego drives the response, the intention shifts from shared success to self-protection.
The truth is: leadership skills that help you succeed in crisis, such as clarity, decisiveness, and control, are not the same skills that help you succeed in growth. One requires directing. The other requires expanding.
Most of us were rewarded early in our careers for the crisis version.
What Leadership Looks Like Beyond Control
I eventually learned a different way to respond. A way that still provides structure but leaves room for ownership, creativity, and trust.
Here is the approach that changed my leadership:
Pause to interrupt the instinct
You cannot change a reflex you do not catch.
A pause creates enough distance to examine the story you are building.
Ask honest questions
- What about this situation is activating me?
- What am I afraid will happen if I let go?
- What might they be protecting or advocating for?
- What if their intention is positive, not adversarial?
This shifts you from defensiveness to curiosity.
Reframe the behavior
The same action can be viewed as:
- Initiative
- Expertise
- Concern
- Commitment
- Investment in the work
From a different angle, behavior that felt like resistance often becomes contribution.
Communicate clearly and vulnerably
This is where alignment is rebuilt.
Share the impact without accusation. Invite their perspective. Clarify expectations. Ask what support they need. Create a shared understanding rather than a power struggle.
Let people run, even if the outcome is uncertain
This part challenges every controlling instinct.
Sometimes, the most powerful leadership move is allowing someone else’s approach to play out.
It might succeed in a way you never considered.
It might fail in a way that creates better learning.
Both outcomes strengthen the team.
What Surprised Me Most
When I loosened my grip, I found:
- Ownership increased
- Innovation grew
- Communication improved
- Relationships deepened
- The work moved faster
When I over-controlled:
- Creativity shrank
- Frustration grew
- Momentum slowed
- Alignment evaporated
Control feels like safety, but often creates the instability we fear.
How This Connects to RMA’s Leadership Philosophy
This reflection sits at the heart of RMA’s work:
- Identity-aware leadership
- Psychological safety
- Human-centered decision-making
- Honest communication
- Leadership that expands rather than constricts
- Teams that thrive because they feel trusted
We help leaders understand not only what they do but why they do it, and how to shift long-standing patterns that limit their impact.
Releasing control is not stepping back. It is stepping differently.
A Closing Reflection
Every leadership moment gives you a choice.
Tighten your grip or open your hand.
One narrows possibility.
The other grows it.
If this reflection resonates, and if you are navigating similar dynamics with your team or want to strengthen trust, alignment, and communication, let’s talk.
RMA Consulting helps leaders grow beyond control and into clarity, connection, and real momentum.
